17’S BDAY SONG TO MEI
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful asian woman named Lulu who had the perfect life.
Well, it would be the perfect life, if not for one thing: her marriage
to a baka gaijin.
Don’t get her wrong— it wasn’t that her husband was a bad man, or an ugly man. He was simply a very rich man, a very rich man who didn’t make flagrant use of his funds, and what good was being very rich without living a constant shopping spree?
Lulu could make much better use of his money than he ever could. So what point was there in letting him keep it?
Something had to be done. Something unspeakable.
Murder, she decided! I’ll kill him, and all the money will go to me! But how…?
So she thought. And thought. And thought some more.
Her eyes slowly panned over to the comically flat-faced feline curled up on the fireplace mantle. His name was Ronsworth, and he was the fluffiest cat on which Lulu had ever laid eyes. Her husband loved him so, feeding him like a king, and so Ronsworth was quite the hambeast as well.
As he stared back at her with his unchanging expression (one that seemed sort of like a cross between grumpy and constipated), Lulu had her first devious idea.
In the dead of night, she entered her husband’s chambers, holding Ronsworth close to her bosom. The man was sound asleep, no doubt dreaming of beautiful things, completely unaware of his fate.
Lulu loomed over him, holding his precious pet out— and shoved that fluffy mass of fat right onto his face.
He began to stir, breath suddenly gone, and soon started to struggle against his unknown assailant— but it was no use, for Lulu was determined, and Ronsworth tended to get comfy wherever he was placed.
Tomorrow’s headline? MAN SUFFOCATED BY CAT. WAILING WIFE SAYS “I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED!”
Ronsworth meowed, and Lulu’s daydream came to an end. No, she thought, that’s too stupid. What else can I try?
Deciding some food would help her think, Lulu moseyed on into the kitchen and put some rice into the ricecooker. As she waited for it to finish, she had another idea.
Her husband walked into the kitchen to see her eating her rice. “That sure looks tasty, my dear.” he mused, “Did you save any for me?”
”Of course.” she said with a small smile, standing and making her way to the ricecooker. “Bring your bowl over here.”
As her husband drew near, expecting delicious lunch, Lulu grabbed the cooker and slammed it into his face. He toppled back, his head hitting the floor with a nice crack, and blood slowly seeped out from the back of his skull.
Tomorrow’s headline? MAN KILLED IN RICECOOKER ACCIDENT. WAILING WIFE SAYS “I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED!”
Ding! The rice was done, and Lulu shook her head. That’s stupid too.
(translator’s note: kanji says bansai, alfred is asking ruru?)
Sitting down at the table with her lunch, she wondered what else she could try. There had to be something. The more she thought, the more she ate. And the more she ate, the more she thought. Over the course of several weeks, she began eating everything in the house— and thensome! Her appetite had grown so large, her husband wasn’t sure what to do, and it wasn’t much longer before she grew large as well. She had to stand at the table to eat, because she broke any chair in which she sat, and getting through doorways was a trouble and a half.
”My dear, I do believe you need to go on a diet!”
”Are you calling me fat, Alfed!?”
That night, Lulu accidentally rolled over in her sleep and crushed her poor husband to death.
Tomorrow’s headline? MAN ACCIDENTALLY CRUSHED BY OVERWEIGHT WIFE. OVERWEIGHT WIFE SAYS “I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED!”
Finishing her rice, Lulu got up and walked into her room, examining her petite form in the full body mirror hung up on the wall. Yuck. That’s definitely not happening.
She wondered if she was going about this whole murder business the wrong way. Maybe something more… conventionally lethal would be better suited for the task. She thought back to methods used in her home country of China, and an idea immediately came to mind.
That night, her husband, sound asleep in bed just moments before, woke up to something dripping between his eyes. He was bound to the mattress, forced to look straight up as water droplets plinked onto his forehead, one by one.
Oh, and also it was actually acid. He screamed and screamed, but in their big mansion, even Lulu downstairs couldn’t quite hear him as she sipped her tea and waited.
Tomorrow’s headline? MAN KILLED IN ELABORATE CHINESE WATER TORTURE TRAP. CHINESE WIFE SAYS, “I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED!”
Hmm, but that would be so slow. Could there be anything else?
She remembered that back in her homeland, people would call upon their ancestral spirits to help them in times of need. Maybe that’s what she needed to do!
She closed her eyes and recited the ancient summoning chant— “Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zaooo, Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zaooooo…”
Meanwhile, her husband, away at work, was suddenly set upon by vicious spiritual entities. As he flailed his arms trying to fend them off, everyone else just thought he’d lost his marbles, as nobody else could see the spirits. He dropped dead of a heart attack right there.
Tomorrow’s headline? MAN DIES OF HEART ATTACK AFTER FLAILING ARMS LIKE DUMMY. WAILING WIFE SAYS “I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED!”
But would the ancestors really approve of me calling them for something like that? Maybe I should just be direct. Maybe I should just stab him and get it over with.
So she located her stack of colourful origami paper and set to work. An hour later, and she had crafted the finest paper pick-axe on which anyone could have ever laid eyes. Surely this would do the trick!
She waited by the door for her husband to return from work, and as he walked in, he was pleasantly surprised to be greeted right off the bat by his loving, caring wife!
“Hello, my dear! Has everything been alright in my abs—”
Whoops, how did an origami pick-axe get in his eye?
And then in his other eye?
And then his chest a few times, and his cheek once or twice— at the end he was a pretty bloody mess.
Tomorrow’s headline? MAN KILLED WITH COLOURFUL PAPER PICK-AXE. WAILING WIFE SAYS “I MAY BE GOOD AT ORIGAMI BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED!”
Can paper even penetrate skin? Maybe I need to go back to the drawing board…
Ohp. Ohhhp. And then, she got it. The perfect plan. Not only was it efficient, but it was refined, elegant. Not at all like her earlier ideas. Honestly, she wasn’t sure why it took her so long to figure it out— after all, it was so simple!
She heard the front door open, and her husband’s voice echoed throughout downstairs. “I’m home!”
The corners of her lips turned up into a cruel little smile, and she went down to meet her dear hubby.
He waved to her, put his stuff down, and approached her for a hug and kiss like usual.
And then ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓
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She could hear the coins jingling in her pocket already.